These days, it’s common, agreed upon best practice that adoptees should be told and know they are adopted from day one.
The intention of this approach is so that their adoption is always a known part of their story and integrated into their identity at a very young age, rather than remembering a specific day they were sat down and informed about their adoption. Gone should be the days of the teen or young adult adoptee finding their “file” in the attic and learning about this integral part of their story by happenstance.
As adoption professionals and adoptive parents have moved towards a more honest approach with adoptees from the start, there is a need to increase the transparency with adoptees even more.
We’re learning it’s not enough for adoptees to know they are adopted.
They deserve more comprehensive information about their story and where they come from. Even the parts of their story which may be difficult to share or hear.
Let’s take a closer look at development for a moment. In adolescence, an individual’s work is to discover and develop a sense of self, independence, and autonomy. In Erickson’s stages of psychosocial development, this stage is referred to as identity vs. confusion. When an adolescent can do this very important identity work, they begin to see themselves as a unique and integrated person. When they struggle with the identity formation work required of this stage, they may become confused over who they are and their place in the world.
One of the key factors of being able to do the integral growing and developing in adolescence is having the facts and information of one’s story.
How do you figure out who you are if you don’t know where you came from?
Thus, it is important for adoptees to know and be made aware of their entire story by the start of puberty or the age of thirteen. This includes but is not limited to the parts of their story regarding rape or incest at conception, considered or attempted abortion, substance exposure in utero, domestic violence between their biological parents, biological extended family not knowing about their existence, and mental illness in their family of origin.
In addition to this information aiding in identity formation of the adoptee, there are additional considerations, as well.
Adoptees who learn their full story prior to adolescence are more likely to let their parents support them in the learning and processing of this often-difficult information.
If facts are withheld from adoptees until later in adolescence or even into adulthood, they may be more likely to seek independence while processing, not allowing their parents to support and guide them. Because at that point they are striving to be autonomous.
There is also a strong possibility for loss of trust if important information is withheld from adoptees into adulthood. They may feel betrayed and lied to. They may start to question who they are and who you, their adoptive parent, is.
These conversations between adoptee and adoptive parent are not easy.
Navigating such discussions needs to happen gradually over time and sometimes with the support and guidance of a professional. There is often “pre-work” that must happen at earlier ages, where adoptees are taught in more general terms about things like poverty, health, including addiction and mental illness, body safety, consent, healthy relationships, sex, how babies are conceived, etc. Once some of the groundwork has been laid, closer to the age of 10, parents can begin to evolve more general education discussions into sharing with their adoptee parts of their specific story.
If you’re an adoptive parent navigating this delicate and important time with your child, we can help.
If your child is well into adolescence — or even adulthood — and you have information about their story you need to share with them, it isn’t too late. We can support you in these important, sensitive discussions.
We believe adoptees deserve comprehensive information about where they come from so they can figure out who they are and where they’re going. Not to mention, adoptive parents deserve support as they navigate this information sharing and discussions with their children.